Girls All The Bad Guys Want
by Cap'n Pirate Monkey
Summary: Another excursion into 'humour' by my 15-year-old self. Be warned. The ladies of FFVII and their unlikely love interests, and why Yuffie never appeared in any FMV's...


Girls All The Bad Guys Want

(Or 'Why Yuffie And Reno Have No FMV'S)

****

"Me without you is like…like a sandwich with no mayonnaise! It's like shoes without socks! It's completely ludicrous!"

Satisfied, Sephiroth penned this down, adding it to his other charming collection of 'romantic lyrics'.

"SCAAAAARLET!"

"Yes Sephy-Sama?" Sex-Slave Scarlet replied sweetly. Dressed in a pair of figure-hugging leather hotpants and a lung-constricting leather brassiere, the busty blonde leaned forward so her gigantic breasts were almost pressed against Sephiroth's face.

"Please read my poem and tell me what you think" came a muffled voice from between her preposterously large mammaries. 

Disappointed, Sex-Slave Scarlet popped Sephiroth's face out of her gigantic bosom. As the silver-haired villain caught his breath, she straightened up and took a deep breath.

"My Poem. By Sephiroth" she read aloud, squinting slightly to decipher Sephiroth's scribbly, childish handwriting. "Without you, I am empty. Like a fish tank with no fish, I am empty. Like a boot with no sole and no laces I am useless. Be my laces. Be my goldfish. Me without you is like a Happy Meal with no free toy…like trousers with no legs. Me without you is like a sandwich with no mayonnaise. Like shoes without socks. It's completely ludicrous!"

"Good?" Sephiroth said hopefully.

Sex-Slave Scarlet offered him a doubtful look "Well, it's _alright_" she said hesitantly "but it doesn't rhyme, the spelling is hideous, and all in all it's not very romantic, is it?"

"Oh" Sephiroth was visibly disappointed. "So she won't like it, then?"

"Who's she?" Scarlet narrowed her eyes in anger "I thought I was your one and only, Sephykins!" 

"Well, you see, you're a sex slave" Sephiroth explained rationally "You're great in the sack and all, but I need someone to love, somebody who'll love me…somebody like Aeris!"

Scarlet nearly choked. "Aeris?!" she managed to snort before dissolving into fits of laughter.

Sephiroth offered her a hurt look. "And what's wrong with liking Aeris?"

"Nothing" Scarlet re-assured through giggles "It's just that…well…on one hand, you've got me with my 40-quadruple-Z bosom…and Aeris with her minus-36-double A's"

"So?" Sephy said indignantly.

"And, anyway, isn't she a bit young for you?" Scarlet continued.

"Aren't you?" Sephy countered huffily.

Scarlet considered this for a moment, hands on leather-clad hips. Then, finally, she answered.

"No"

"I don't care anyway" Sephy turned his nose up and flicked a lock of silver hair across his shoulder. "I'm going to post this letter tomorrow. And you can't stop me! Mwahahahahahahahaha!"

"I wasn't going to!" Scarlet protested.

"I know" Sephy said apologetically, folding up his poem and placing it in small envelope. "I just needed an excuse to laugh manically. What kind of bad guy am I if I don't laugh evilly at least once in a fic? Stamp, please"

Sex Slave Scarlet removed a book of stamps from between her boobs and handed them to Sephy.

-----------------------------------------_Meanwhile, at the Wonder Square--------------------------------------_

"So, er, Yuffie"

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering if…er…"

"Quiet! I need to concentrate!"

Yuffie hammered a few buttons and the little animated effigy of her unleashed a frantic combo on the animated effigy of Cloud. "HA!" she yelled, bashing the button some more. "TAKE THAT! What were you saying, Reno?"

"Er…right…I was…"

"Hang on…sorry…" she unleashed another deadly combo, and the words 'Player One Wins!' appeared on the screen, while the animated effigy of herself danced cheerily onscreen. "Woohoo!" she yelled, turning to face the Turk. "I win!"

"Well done" he said with a smile.

"Right" she said finally. "Now I've beaten Cloud's ass on Ehrgeiz, you can tell me what you were gonna say"

"Oh…okay…" Reno cleared his throat nervously. "Er…" he twisted his ponytail around his index finger nervously. "Well, I was wondering, do you wanna go on the Round Square with me later?"

Yuffie eyed him quizzically. "You do know that if we go on the Round Square, I'm obliged to have sex with you"

Reno nodded "That's the whole point" he told her. "What do you say?"

"Well…" Yuffie considered this for a long while, tapping the toe of her tennis shoe on the floor to the rhythm of the annoyingly cheerful Wonder Square theme. "You _are_ pretty gorgeous for a bunch of pixels, it must be said. And I'm not completely in opposition to sleeping with you. But the fact remains…you're a bad guy, and I'm a good guy. It'd never work"

"It might!" Reno whined. "Please?" 

"I'll think about it" Yuffie said grudgingly "I mean, like I said, I'll have meaningless sex with you any day of the week, but if I do then I have to regret it. I'm a good guy, and us good guys aren't meant to strike up significant relationships with bad guys unless the bad guy is willing to defect"

Reno snorted, "Says who?"

"It's here" From her pocket, Yuffie produced the much-coveted 'RPG Rule Book' "It says so here"

Reno snatched the book, and with a sceptical glare, began to read. "The last boss always dies more than once. Or there's another boss who was originally on the heroes side, perhaps his/her father. Note that this is never his/her mum"

"No" Yuffie dismissed "A few rules down. Number twenty-seven, I think"

Reno scanned the page "There must be a plot twist. Usually, it turns out that the man the hero has been working for/with is the bad guy. Or that the bad guy is his/her dad/brother/best friend. Again, this is never his/her mum"

"Give it here" Yuffie snatched the book from him and jabbed a thin finger at the right paragraph. "Here it is. Rule number twenty-nine. 'Members of the hero party must not strike up a meaningful relationship with a member of the enemy party unless this member is willing to defect.'"

"Shit" Reno grumbled.

"So I'm afraid you have to defect," Yuffie said apologetically, pushing the rulebook back into her pocket. "Do you want to leave the Turks?"

"I can't" Reno whined "I won't get any lines if I leave the Turks. Or I'll become a meaningless comedy character, like Jonny and Priscilla"

"I see" Yuffie nodded wisely "Well then I'm sorry Reno. I'd love to shag you and all that but I can't, or I'll get scrapped from the game and I'll never get my FMV"

"You won't get an FMV anyway," Reno pointed out hopefully "You're in competition with Tifa Lockheart, and she's got big boobs"  

"Oh yeah" Yuffie sucked in her cheek and began chewing it absently. "But you know, there's always a chance. I want an FMV, Reno, and if I have sex with you I won't get it. I'm really sorry" with a sorrowful look, the young ninja turned away from the coin-op machine, leaving an eager queue of small, loud children scrambling for her extra go.

"Yuffie, wait!" Reno called as the slender girl departed. "Come on! At least go down on me! Please?"

------------------------------------------_Meanwhile, at Tseng's house---------------------------------------------_

Tseng was depressed.

He was sick of being a throwaway villain. Why was it that Reno and Rude both got to outlive him when he was the leader…no…the _founder_ of the Turks? Why was it that Rude managed to get Elena all to himself? The guy was frigging _bald_ for god's sake! Tseng had spent hours crafting his perfectly straight hairdo. He'd used bottle upon bottle of L'Oreal, can upon can of E-Z Fix hairspray. It was no longer a hairdo; it was _art._

But Elena had chosen Rude. Tseng kicked a paper cup that just happened to be at his feet. Rude. Come on, even his _name_ was stupid! How was it fair that Rude got the pretty little blonde all to himself? And Reno. He was a hard-drinking, chain-smoking lothario that, despite a shameful lack of decent chat-up lines and a complete disregard for dress sense, managed to get laid on average twice a day…by _different women. _How!!! How was that!!! It was so…UNFAIR! 

Fine. Fuck Rude. Fuck Reno. Tseng sat back in his chair and proceeded to sulk.

_Ding-dong!_

Tseng looked up. Someone had rung his doorbell. Someone actually _wanted_ to see him! Oh joy! He leapt up from his couch, making sure that he fixed those three stray strands of hair should Elena be calling for him.

He opened the door, and was immediately attacked by a pair of gigantic bosoms.

"Argh!" came his muffled voice. "Tifa! Is that you?"

"Yes, hang on" Tifa's disembodied voice floated from behind her massive breasts and she managed to manoeuvre so she wasn't suffocating the poor Turk.

Tseng sucked in a lungful of air. "What's wrong, Tifa?" he asked.

Tifa sniffled. "Cloud says he doesn't love me anymore" she said sadly, crossing her arms over her chest so as to subdue the huge mountainous growths "He says Priscilla is so much more caring and that she takes up less house space"

Tseng whistled "Not bad for a meaningless comedy character"

"So I figured you'd understand, seeing as how Elena left you for Rude" Tifa continued sadly. "How do you deal with something like that?"

Tseng shrugged. "Sit around and sulk" 

Tifa eyed him curiously. "You mean, you don't engage in a series of soul-searching talks with someone of a similar state of mind? You mean you don't consider your situation whilst listening to Chris DeBurgh and other tear-inducing artists?"

Tseng shrugged again. "Nope" he answered simply "You sulk"

Tifa eyed him again, a mixture of disbelief and curiosity swimming around in her eyes. "And that works?"

Tseng continued to be as nonchalant as before "It does for me" 

"Okay" Tifa agreed, "I'll try it"

---------------------------------------Later on, at Aeris' house---------------------------------------------

"Me without you is like a sandwich with no mayonnaise. Like shoes without socks. It's completely ludicrous"

Aeris smiled. Like everything else even vaguely related to her, her smile was pink, pretty and flowery. "Awww, isn't Sephy-poo sweet?" she cooed, turning to her pink, pretty, flowery poodle Pink Fluffy. "I think I'll have to write back to him"

And so, for three hours Aeris lovingly crafted a card out of pink paper, pretty sequins and flowery…er…flowers.  

"I love you, Sephy-poo, gonna spent lots of money on you!" she sang, sticking together two pieces of pink tissue paper and blobbing it on the card with all the care and precision of a blind dentist. Then, in pink pen, she set about scrawling a loopy, flowery message to her future co-star. 

The message read:

_'__To my lovely Sephy-Kins_

_Your poem was truly beautiful. If I didn't have mako clogging up my tear ducts I'm sure I would have cried. _

_I hope you get my card!_

_Love, hugs and big pink kisses, Aeris'_

Satisfied, the flower girl grinned and skipped off to post the letter.

----------------------------------------------At Squaresoft HQ----------------------------------------------

Yuffie squirmed nervously as she peered up at the giant face of the Squaresoft Developers, whom she had decided to consult on the Reno/sex/bad guy matter.

A loud, omnipresent voice boomed from above. –STATE YOUR NAME-

"Yuffie Kisaragi" Yuffie quivered.

-STATE YOUR PURPOSE-

"I need to ask you something"

-STATE YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR-

"Green"

-WHAT IS YOUR QUESTION?-

"Well, you see, I was wondering…if I had sex with Reno, would you cut my FMV?"

A long, long pause, filled by the rustling of pages and the munching of doughnuts.

-YOU KNOW WHAT THE RPG RULEBOOK SAYS ABOUT INTER-PARTY RELATIONSHIPS-

"Well yes" Yuffie reasoned "But it'd only be the once, and…"

-SILENCE! DARE YOU DEFY NEVILLE THE MIGHTY?-

"N...no sir!"

-I AM NEVILLE THE MIGHTY DEVELOPER! THE RULES CLEARLY STATE THAT RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN PARTIES ARE STRICTLY FORBIDDEN IF NEITHER PARTY IS WILLING TO DEFECT-

"Can't you make an exception?"

-NO! NO I BLOODY WELL CAN'T! YOU CHEEKY LITTLE…-

_---NEVILLE, YOUR MUM'S ON THE PHONE---_

-WH…? OH. AHEM. KISARAGI, I MUST DEPART. BUT REMEMBER, DISOBEY THE DEVELOPERS AND SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES. COMING, MUMMY!-

Yuffie watched as the fearsome, acne-ridden visage of Developer Neville disappeared, and she was left alone. 

"Fuck you then" she shrugged.

-----------------------------------------------------Tseng's House Again---------------------------------------------

"Tseng?"

"Yes Tifa?"

"This is really dull"

"I know. That's the point"

"And there's nothing else to do?"

"This is what I always do. It works for me"

"But it's really, really boring. And I still feel sad"

"Oh…well…obviously you're not doing it properly"

"What do you mean 'properly'? How do you sulk 'properly'?"

"You cross your arms, make a really sour face and just sit there staring"

"Like this, you mean?" Tifa crafted a face that could turn milk to cheese. 

"Exactly"

-----------------------------------------------Later on, at Sephy's house---------------------------

"Sex-Slave Scarlet! Any post?"

Scarlet appeared, wearing a bright red, short silk negligee. She was holding a pink, flowery envelope at arm's length, face screwed up in disgust.

"I'm guessing this is from Aeris" she gagged "It smells of perfume"

Sephy snatched the envelope from her, trying hard not to be rendered unconscious by the overpowering odour of flowers and sweetness exuding from the contents. He ripped open the envelope, pulling out a jumbled mass of crepe paper, ribbons, flowers and general pinkness which he supposed was the Aeris equivalent of a 'card'.

"_'To my lovely Sephy-Kins" _he read aloud__

_"Your poem was truly beautiful. If I didn't have mako clogging up my tear ducts I'm sure I would have cried. _

_I hope you get my card!_

Love, hugs and big pink kisses, Aeris'" 

"Aww" Scarlet lied, trying not to retch.

"Sephy…Sephy _Kins_?!?" he bellowed angrily, tossing the pink mass of perfume and flowers aside and slamming his hands on the sofa for no discernible reason "How dare she! How dare that insolent Cetra mock me! Sephy Kins?"

Scarlet checked the clock. Seven PM. Yes, his 'Bad Guy' drugs had kicked in, ensuring that he'd be suitably evil for his upcoming game performance. Which would explain why he was so thoroughly annoyed at being called Sephy Kins. "She could have called me Sephy-Sama, or even Sephy-San! But 'Kins'?" he grabbed his masamune from where it hung on the wall (he'd previously used it as a hair-trimming kit and handy gardening tool…before his course of 'Bad Guy' drugs he'd been a huge fan of Gardeners World) 

"The Cetra will pay"

---------------------------------------------Reno's House-----------------------------------------------------------

"So what did they say?"

Yuffie settled on the edge of Reno's double, black-sheeted bed. She shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing" she lied, turning to the eager redhead. "I got no response. Since they haven't told me otherwise…I think I'll bend the rules a little"

_'Bend them?' _she thought, eyeing Reno's huge grin _'Snap 'em in half and throw 'em in the incinerator is more like it'_

"So I get to have sex with you?" Reno asked eagerly.

Yuffie shrugged, beginning to unbutton her shirt. "Yup" she said casually.

Reno grinned for a little while longer. And finally, he ripped her shirt off, leapt on the bed and began to slowly devour the ninja's tongue. 

----------------------------------------Tseng's house--------------------------------------------------------------

"Tseng"

"Yes Tifa?"

"I'm really bored"

Tseng paused, uncrossed his arms. "But there's a whole hour till we have to go film our scenes. What'll we do?"

Tifa thought for a moment, slowly raising her shoulders in shrug that pulled her mountainous bosom high above her head. "I guess…I guess I could sleep with you"

Tseng shook his head "You know the rules, Tifa"

"Awww…c'mon Tsengie" Tifa leaned forward, purring in what she hoped was a seductive manner (though, truth be told, she actually sounded like a defective car engine) "You've got to take these risk, honeybunny"

_'Honey…bunny?' _Tseng's mind swam. Nobody had ever, EVER called him that before. And simply because he was bored, depressed and still a twenty eight year old virgin, he decided to take the brunette up on her offer.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_And so:_

---In the wake of their fling, Yuffie lost her role as 'Lead Female' and was instead demoted to 'Throwaway Secret Character', ensuring that, although she got a few amusing lines, a mildly distracting sub-quest and a small role, she never got her FMV. Similarly, Reno never got an FMV, annoying thousands of female role-players throughout the world.

---Sephiroth was so annoyed with Aeris' mockery of him that he brutally murdered her halfway through the game. Although her death wasn't originally scripted, developers decided to leave it in as they needed some explanation as to where their second female star had gone. 

---Tseng and Tifa continued to sleep together and share haircare advice hidden from the prying eyes of the Big Bad Developers. Until, of course, Neville The Developer found out and axed Tseng halfway through the game in a fit of anger. Tifa was never punished as Neville enjoyed ogling her breasts.

A/N Oh my god, apologies for this piece of nonsensical shite. I posted it simply because it was there, and I was bored. Flames welcome. I deserve them. See? This is what happens when you give sixteen-year-old girls pot noodles and Apple Tango for dinner. 

_Comments, poetry/art requests to TioRankP@hotmail.com_

_Thanks/Sorry!_

TIO ^_^ 


End file.
